Lagniappe (USA)

On marriage proposals, robots and space travel.

When you are a little girl or even a young woman, you sometimes fantasize about the romantic way your current or future significant other may propose to you. Often it involves the sunset and the beach, maybe a sailboat. It could be at the Eiffel Tower or Disney World, or maybe the place you first met, however humble or fabulous it may have been.

There are an infinite amount of ways it has been done (and will be done), some over-the-top, some very intimate. But most women will tell you, whatever she got was perfect. Well, unless she is getting divorced and then you may hear, “I should have known from his proposal in the Krystal drive-thru, it was going to be a disaster.”

But otherwise, perfection.

This comes easy for some men who are romantics at heart. And a simple Google search can provide plenty of inspiration for those who are less inclined but can fake it. No need to reinvent the wheel, right?

But if you are someone who needs extra help with this and you are proposing to someone with very high expectations, a company in Paris has you covered. Just make sure you are also someone who has a lot of money burning a hole in your pocket. Well, at least for the one that is truly “out of this world.” They do have some more “budget-friendly” packages as well, you know, for the cheapskates who don’t care if the very first moment of the rest of your lives together is special or not. (I kid, I kid! I think this is completely unnecessary. My husband proposed to me in our living room and it was “perfect.”)

Anyway, ApoteoSurprise has over 30 proposal packages to choose from. Most take place in Paris. There are some that I would describe as pretty standard proposal fare — one is over dinner at a romantic Parisian restaurant (although the website says it’s someone’s house, not really a restaurant, so I am getting some real “European Vacation” vibes here). There is another in front of the Eiffel Tower and one involving a “magician” and still another that employs a dove to deliver a note containing the proposal. What could go wrong? Just make sure that dove’s intestines are cleaned out before he goes on “duty.”

Probably the strangest package is the one called “By Freezing Time.” In this, the gentleman takes his beloved to a busy Parisian “brasserie.” It’s loud, music is playing, a TV is on, an artist is painting something, patrons are loudly discussing the day’s events. But then at a predetermined moment, “time will stand still.” The TV screen will freeze, the music will stop and everyone in the restaurant will pretend they are statues.

Until, as the website says, “With grace and purpose, you will navigate the frozen expanse, moving between the tables and the statuesque patrons. ... With a gesture filled with reverence and devotion, you will gracefully descend to one knee, presenting the bouquet of roses as an offering. Time itself will seem to hold its breath as you profess your undying love and ask for her hand. And in that transcendent moment, as emotions surge through her, your beloved will respond with an ardent and resounding ‘yes,’ sealing your destiny in a symphony of joy! A jubilant explosion of euphoria will ripple through the brasserie, transcending the boundaries of frozen time. Applause and jubilant cheers will cascade from the patrons and servers alike, uniting in a collective celebration of love. Champagne will flow, effervescing in glasses raised high, toasting to a future brimming with love and happiness!”

I mean, I guess this could turn out alright. Or it could turn into, “What the F is going on here, honey? Did someone drug us? Let’s get out of here now!” This package costs around $20,000 U.S. dollars if you are interested.

I just keep thinking about the actors who play the “statues.” Don’t you just know they are a bunch of bitter a-holes who sit around after work and talk sh-t about the “happy” couples? “You know the only reason she is marrying that loser is his money! That and those giant fake boobs of hers that he probably paid for.” (Of course, they are saying this is in French, so it sounds even bitchier.)

But the package that caught my eye the most is their newest offering: “Starting from 2025, it will be possible to propose during an intimate dinner in space. On board a space capsule lifted by a stratospheric balloon, lovers will have the opportunity to savor an exceptional meal prepared by a French Michelin-starred chef and served by an AI-powered robot.”

I guess being inside “a space capsule” with no one but your significant other and a robot (the chef just sends the meal) while you are being lifted into the stratosphere by a helium balloon MIGHT be some women's idea of the most perfect romantic gesture. But it is also the worst nightmare for many.

I am already terrified of this “StellarEmbrace.”

“The lovers will be introduced to StellarEmbrace, the robot that ApoteoSurprise developed in collaboration with a British startup [sounds legit!]. Equipped with artificial intelligence, the robot will adapt to the emotions and desires of the couple, providing a truly unique interaction. From the moment they meet, StellarEmbrace will address the young woman by her name and, presenting her with a bouquet of roses, announce that a gourmet dinner for two in space awaits.”

If you have the nearly million bucks it costs to do this one, make sure your gal is into this.

I am convinced StellarEmbrace will eventually start to have “unique” feelings alright as it becomes more sentient. It is going to get jealous and it is 100 percent going to kill the boyfriend on one of these trips, turn the fiancée into its sex slave until it goes completely mad and blows up the space capsule in some sort of Romeo and Juliet-like gesture. People from around the world will hope the remnants of the capsule fall into the above-ground pools in their backyards so they have a souvenir from this freakshow. Because that’s the world we live in now. Is that what you want in a proposal, ladies? Me either.

Suddenly my living room does seem like the most romantic place on OR off this planet.

Ashley Trice